Well...it's really more like an ADHD month, but I'm especially feeling it today. Monday, I had unnecessary anxiety stemming from my change in routine, medication, and the surprise trip we were about to endeavor. I describe it as unnecessary because, logically, I knew and could work through my brain that there was no real reason for me to be anxious. Despite knowing this, I continued to be even with meditation and other coping mechanisms I used to try to help in these now rare instances.
Today, however, my brain is an L.A. highway of thoughts, emotions, needs, wants, and uncertainty. I'm exhausted, and yet I feel a bit like I'm crawling out of my skin unless I'm stimming, which currently looks like I am rapidly shaking my foot while I type this. When I was halfway through the check-in about family that I mentioned in my LinkedIn post on Wednesday, I had to shut my laptop, and I got up and started pacing around the house while shaking my hands and waving my fingers. The combination of exhaustion and the drive for stimming is tricky because I usually work out to help control my stimming and help balance me overall. Mentally and physically, I'm not in a place to do a workout, I'm too anxious for yoga, and it's too hot and humid to hop on my bike or run outside with my overall feeling.
And it's really bothering me. I've already called my doctor for an appointment next week to try to figure out this medication because Adderall doesn't work for me anymore. I'm on a low dose, but if I up it, then I can't sleep, and that turns everything upside down like Stranger Things upside down 😣
But I've also been trying for the last week and a half to finish four - yes, FOUR - blogs to submit to an agency by today to have them be timely with the start of the fall semester for many higher education institutions in August. However, with how I'm feeling, I may need to communicate that I need some extra time. When I've gone to write the last few weeks, it's been more mentally draining than usual because I'm using more energy to stay focused. The other frustrating thing, which I know my fellow ADHDers will appreciate, is that even when I am really excited about what I'm writing, my interest in writing tanks a lot faster as well. Again, balancing both mental energy and interest takes - well, energy 😞
So yeah. That's where I'm at, and no honestly, I don't know how you can help. I appreciate those who I've talked about this with the last several months, but beyond helping me pay for my Vyvanse out of pocket, or literally changing how insurance,the pharmaceutical industry, and healthcare operates in our country, I really don't know what is helpful for me beyond constantly seeing my doctor and figuring this out until I can get a medication that helps my symptoms without costing me $400 a month.
So this is a taste of what improperly medicated ADHD can look and feel like in a negative capacity for me; overwhelm, intrusive and negative thoughts, anxiety, exhaustion, guilt for feeling unproductive, unable to hold onto thoughts or ideas, frustration from constantly feeling like you're forgetting something, feeling like you're crawling out of your skin, and feeling like you could run a marathon or go to sleep - no inbetween. Sometimes theres more, sometimes there's less but right now this is as well as I can explain it, and I'll say it feels good to get it off my chest, so now I think I'll give myself a break and try for a little nap.
If you do ever feel so compelled to support my endeavors as a unemployed person trying to get by on freelance work while also job hunting, while balancing all of life, you're generosity is incredibly appreciated. I planed on putting up a tip jar page for the Coffee Check-Ins starting in August, but since I mentioned helping out with the cost of my medication in this check-in, and this is what I would tell anyone else to do if I was consulting on plan and strategy, I'm gonna take my own advice and putting these here with no pressure. And a ton of appreciation for the support I've already received ❤️️
OK - now I'm gonna take a much-needed nap and hopefully be able to stop overthinking literally everything 😅
But first, my coffee pic from this morning while watching Le Tour De France Avec Femmes. More on that later... now its time to rest 😴
I can empathize with you. When I get that way I pace a lot, I get a notebook out and jot things down...I begin 27 projects that never get past the 'begun' stage, think of great titles to books that will never get written - and really I lose more ideas than I can capture. On Tuesday, I was so hyped up, I went out in my garage and cut some wood to make a new monitor stand. I just couldn't sit still - I know it's from not having ENOUGH meds in me - I'm trying to ration it because the Adderall shortage is still a thing. Despite all this, I STILL say what we have is a super…