The love/hate relationship between patience and Endometriosis

This blog is originally from Nov. 18, 2018. I had anticipated writing about my journey recovery from my second laparoscopic surgery. Unfortunately, it was one of my two goals I did not complete before the anniversary date - the second was getting back to olympic lifting. There is a time and place for everything, and while I did not chronicle the year as I had planned, I still believe this post holds an important part of my journey both personally and professionally. For me it's an important reminder to stop and take a deep breathe and remember how far I have come and everything I have overcome.

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I was not born with patience. And nothing has ever really helped tame my patience. I ran, lifted, practiced yoga…centered myself as much as I could through an active lifestyle by creating goals and conquering them over time. That did not really teach me patience.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis in December of 2011. I cleaned up my diet – which was pretty healthy to begin with since I’d been developing intolerances to dairy and gluten and just naturally crave veggies – I recovered more after even the smallest injuries running, but it took years and lots of medical unknowns to get to a point where I mentally stopped myself before diving into – everything. Finally, after one particularly scary time period where I was drastically losing weight, I stopped…being active. I didn’t have the energy. My mind pushed me, but when I pushed my body, it was a hurt far deeper than that burn of pushing through another mile, adding on a few more kilograms to the bar, or holding any yoga pose for any length of time. For the next two years I did very little, instead focusing on my career but still experiencing constant pushback from my body, which soon seeped into my mental perspective as well.

Then during this spring and summer my body began pushing back to the point I felt like I was breaking – from doing nothing. I’d tried a little walking and VERY slow running for me – my body resisted. I decided I need to bring it back to basics and started doing a little bit of yoga at a nearby studio, and it just happened to be in the same shopping plaza as a gynecologist who specialized in endometriosis. I made an appointment – I was there for nearly 5 hours and he referred me to surgeon who specializes in endometrial excision.  Starting in July, any “free time” I had was essentially spent in different doctors’ offices determining what would need to be done for my upcoming surgery that was determined that needed to happen sooner than later. I went through the possibility of having fibroids, adenomyosis, and hernias along with my endometriosis. No wonder my body was pushing back.

During this time, it was kind of easy being patient because I was so tired I didn’t have energy for anything else besides my appointments and work. I’d also had a strong team of family and health workers supporting me. I’d begun going to a chiropractor at the end of July and our beliefs in health line up beautifully, so besides the physical adjustments being able to connect with her was also a relief. The specialist who would perform the hernia repair was wonderful, and the gastroenterologist was equally concerned about overall, long-term health – my end goal in this if I was going to have surgery again. I didn’t want a band aid quick fix like my last laparoscopic surgery (ablation – if your doctor says ablation, say no. If your insurance doesn’t cover excision, raise the money – more on that later). Fibroids we’re ruled out, but adenomyosis was confirmed – and determined to be dealt with after the surgery and future kids.

So, in October I had my second endometrial laparoscopic surgery to excise the endometriosis in my body and to repair multiple hernias on both sides of my pelvis. My initial recovery has been pretty fast and I felt light years better than I did after my ablation procedure in 2011. Nearly 7 weeks after my surgery I feel like I did at about the 4-month mark after ablation. I’m walking 5k nearly everyday now and will soon add in strategic stretching (RomWod – I think for a lot of us with chronic pain this is a perfect alternative to yoga, when yoga is too much). My goals have drastically changed from faster times running a 5k or running a 10k, lifting heavier, and perfecting poses to consistency. Just that – being consistent to rebuild my body from the ground up in the healthiest possible way.

But – yes, of course there’s still a ‘but’ because could all of this actually result in me being more patient?! I’m still figuring that out. I want to say yes and at times I feel the patience and wisdom of the years living with a chronic illness. Other times I’m full speed ahead and ready to run, jump, lift, kick, push back and let go! But then I get tired. I think my exhaustion has really helped curb my impatience along with my everchanging body, but I don’t feel like me yet. I don’t recognize myself in my skin – really this skin I’m in is not my own. I’m not ME. That refuels my impatience and of course when I push my current boundaries, I’m met by an empty weight pulling me back and down and it’s a check on my current goals. It can also feel like a slap in the face sometimes that I still can’t get to feeling like me. That what doing to work my body still feels foreign.

Despite not having run regularly for over two years, after my current walks I still expect my body to feel like it did after a sub 8:30 mm 5k…skin taught over my now flattened belly with my muscles feeling worked but awaken – stronger. Sometimes I wonder if it’s vanity, but no – it’s just not the body I know. Instead, I feel the waistband of my leggings and shorts stretched taught across my rounded belly and hips, sometimes cutting into my belly button or bladder – uncomfortable in my skin and my clothes. I feel heavy from the little bit of excess that really weighs me down from the inside more than it does the outside, but it does fill out my clothes in places I don’t recognize, and I find uncomfortable.

Wrapping my head around all of this – the last 2 years, the time in between being sick and my diagnosis – and rationalizing it all is a further test to my patience. But my journey isn’t over, my body is still healing, and it’ll be months before I can even toy with the idea of running again – maybe.

I’m part of an online group, Nancy’s Nook, which is absolutely amazing, and women often post about their surgery’s days or weeks afterwards. Other’s opt to wait until months or even a year after their surgery, which is the route I hope to take, yet here I am spewing my frustrations about patience, lack of energy and a new abundance of curves. Well, it might have to do with my patience – or it might have to do with a need to document this journey sooner and more frequently. Maybe this will help build a more aware understanding of what I’ll experience in the next year and how I can better help other women in their journey with endometriosis and their much-deserved recovery. Maybe we’ll all learn a little more patience.